Conditioned to believe that relationships were about finding love & starting a family? you may be entitled to compensation
You’ve been trying to find “the one”, and I’ll go ahead and say it, because I have a feeling if you’re reading this, you try to stay positive and “high vibe”, so you don’t want to admit it. BUT it’s effing exhausting to keep going out, seeing potential in a connection, thinking “maybe this could be the one”…a spark you haven’t felt in a long time…they have qualities of someone you’ve been wanting to be with… *Let fantasizing the future ensue.
Give it some time, and in come the red flags, the ghosting, the feeling of letdown once again, whether it was after a few weeks, a few months, or more. “Back to square one again???”
And I’m here to lovingly say, “no bitch. Not square one. That ‘square one’ no longer exists. (life has no squares, but ethereal circles, spirals, and cycles, but that’s a rant for another day) Buckle up for some tough love and a story time about when what felt like the absolute worst shit show was actually bringing me my absolute best in disguise”
The main reason you’re exhausted is because you’re entering every relationship with an expectation. “What will this relationship be for me? Will this finally be what I’VE been looking for? How will this fit into my life? My wants/goals/bullsh!t? Will this make me happy??” You’re making it all about your wants, yet neglecting yourself and growth.
IT’S NOT EVEN YOUR FAULT. You’ve been sold on the idea of marriage and family being for everyone and at a “specific time”. And it’s simply not true…like how f*cking boring and lowkey cult-like if we all follow the same patterns and timeline?? It’s keeping you from drinking the NECTAR OF YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE.
Before I get into this: let me be clear. Marriage is beautiful. If you have a desire for marriage and a family, I truly believe it will be yours. I too, would be interested in a lifetime partnership..but I also know a lifetime goes deeper than our physical lifetime.
Marriages and partnerships, especially ones we grow within over a long period of time are HIGHLY transformative, especially when approached consciously. AND YET. It is only one facet of a relationship. Going into every relationship and life in general with such a conditioned mindset is why people reach a certain age that they “thought they would have been married by now” and feel lesser, or that something must be wrong with them, when, at least in my world, there were just other things to be done and lessons learned before that phase.
It immediately invalidates the life you’ve lived and the person you’ve become based on ideas of an “expected timeline”.
FURTHER, when you go into relationships with the blinders of your own expectations, you’re not actually interested in fully learning or RELATING to the other person. You’re just trying to cast characters in your own movie of your life, AND, you’re paying less attention to the romance and beauty of your platonic and familial relationships, therefore, missing out on POWERFUL evolution that each relationship - romantic or not - is offering you.
This is why I’m NOT your average healer or relationship expert, because I’m way more open and free with my approach. We’re creating a romantic LIFE and purposeful relationship to yourself to create heaps more magic in everything you do, every “mistake” you make, therefore making every relationship successful, and your entire life experience more vibrant.
I was once adopted the conditions, too...by 26 I would be married, by 30 maybe having my first kid…here I am hitting 31 in about 6 months no marriage prospect in sight (though many fun boyfriends that teach me lots), yet feeling more confident and self-assured than ever.
My last serious relationship (and heartbreak) was who I thought was “the one”. It was the first time I could actually see myself getting married, starting a life, having kids…it didn’t make sense that he WOULDN’T be the one I was doing EVERYTHING with, plus our story was so serendipitous, I know we were MEANT to know each other. I can hardly wait to share a little slice of our story with you below cause it’s too good.
The plot twist: he WAS “the one”. Let me explain.
It was September 2022, on the island of Syros where I was about to host my first ever retreat in my motherland of Greece. For some background, if you don’t know, I’ve been a bit of a nomad for a few years now and haven’t had a proper home base. All my belongings fit in my car. I simply hadn’t found a place that felt right enough for me to set roots at the time.
As I prepped for this retreat and was spending more time alone, swimming lots, meditating and contemplating life, I started to think to myself: “my whole life and year revolves around me coming to Greece and spending as much time as possible here…I have nowhere to be after December. What if I come back to Syros and see how I like it in the winter?” So I made the decision that’s what I would do and see how it goes.
The following day I had had enough of my hermit-y alone time and decided to visit my friend who I met the first time I visited the island the year prior, and get a glass of wine at her restaurant and get out of my monastic shell. So in I went to the restaurant, but I couldn’t find my friend, Ioanna. I hadn’t told her I was here, nor had we really kept up throughout the last year. So I decided to ask someone if she was there that night. While Greek is my first language, I still grew up in America, and have an American-ish accent, and when I speak Greek it often confuses people…lol. So I went up to the server and asked (in Greek) “I have a question. Is Ioanna here?”
To which the server answered (in Greek) “of course Ioanna is here!” (in English) “Where are you from?”
I replied (in Greek) “Well, (*cutesy, flowery, lovely as always when reciting my Greek roots and background*) I live in America, but my family is from Chios and Thessaloniki”
He said (in Greek) “I’M from Thessaloniki! And Ioanna is my sister”
What I didn’t know was when Ioanna met me the year prior, she called her brother and told him she met a girl who she thought he would like and match with. She had no idea how or where we would meet, but she said she had a feeling, and said it would be fate if it was meant. (when I came up to him, he had no idea that I was the one she had told him about)
What I also didn’t know was Ioanna’s brother, Christo had been working the summer season in Mykonos for the last 6 or 7 years. In 2022, for whatever reason he decided he couldn’t stay till the end of the season (October) and decided to leave early and visit his sister before he made his way back to Thessaloniki, where he lived the off-season (the same city my Pappou grew up in).
I had decided not too long prior to change my retreat destination from Corfu to Syros because I had loved it so much when I visited the year prior…and all these details floated together to create this moment.
FATE had done its thing.
So he took me in to go see her, and as I sat there, and caught up with Ioanna, Christo kept passing by me with silly, funny banter as Greek servers often do, especially with me as the interesting and different Greek American, and after I correctly guessed his zodiac sign I thought to myself…”is there actually a vibe here??” But even if there was. This might be a little fling, maybe only a makeout, some flirtation, and we would follow each other on Instagram till the end of our days with a few likes and messages here and there, fondly remembering each other. (Not my first rodeo)
Skipping ALL the details so we can get to the point (don’t worry, if you want to know them, I AM writing a book on my transformative relationships with men, and how I fell harder in love with myself in the process where I tell far more juice and details, so stay tuned). The next day, we had our first date, kiss, etc. and from that point, practically became inseparable for the next 2 weeks, and he ended up even helping me with my retreat.
He said to me as our time in Syros was coming to an end, “I know you plan on coming to Syros in the winter, but would you consider coming to Thessaloniki instead so we can see where this goes?” So I said why not, and was slightly shocked…this was really happening?? Will we go beyond fond Instagram acquaintances?
We did. He quickly became someone I couldn’t imagine my life without. I trusted him implicitly. I felt SO myself for the first time in a long time. I was opening up, being vulnerable, I TOLD MY FAMILY ABOUT HIM (what???). He started telling me things like “when I think about my future, of course I consider you too because I want you to be a part of it”
After 3 months when I returned to Greece, I expected we would continue our little fairytale, and we would figure out the rest of our relationship. This was IT.
What ACTUALLY happened was I returned to Thessaloniki, and all the difficulties, fears, anxieties, and ugly parts of ourselves surfaced. I never knew how much anxiety I could feel, I never knew how much I could mistrust someone and myself when I felt so connected and was so attached to someone (and the idea of what we had).
I had never been so openly angry at someone, my whole body would sometimes shake in certain arguments when I felt I wasn’t being heard (a nod to how strongly our bodies must process all our emotions). In a way it was beautiful because I had never been so connected to someone that it felt so natural to lose my sh!t like that. I also came to realize when I would get so angry for not feeling heard, my body was shaking in anger because it was also processing not feeling heard in my childhood (I have info in both “How to Make Your Breakups Your B!tch” and “As If By Magic” if you want to learn how your family dynamics contribute to chemistry and your adult relationship patterns). My body and soul were attracted to Christo because it felt “familiar”. My soul was bringing me to him as an opportunity to heal from this pain if I chose it.
In a few months, we inevitably broke up, but with the intention of getting our own shit together and then seeing if we could work it out when I returned to Greece in the summer.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out. Once I evolved, our inner wounds and states of being no longer matched, our attraction dynamic changed…this is why I’m so passionate to help people in their relationships, because you don’t even need to try so hard to “pick the right one” - your energy and focus on yourself repels people who are no longer supporting your growth, BUT:
MY POINT: During that entire relationship, my lessons, gifts and evolutions were as follows:
I felt every emotion I’ve ever felt to the highest degree. I learned I had to be the one to regulate my own nervous system. It was NOT his job as my partner to help me or reassure me. Because of this, I developed a whole new level of emotional stability, personal responsibility, and self confidence. NO ONE takes my peace. I protect and cultivate it. That’s hot b!tch sh!t.
Just because I can see and understand the energy and patterns of a relationship doesn’t mean I can control it, or force someone to evolve with me. Someone else’s potential that they don’t choose to pursue is THEIRS, and not my effing business to try to control. And in trying to get them to “do their work”, I’m neglecting myself and avoiding my own growth.
If I love someone within the confines of my expectations of them, I’m not fully loving and accepting them as they are.
If I choose to connect myself with someone who doesn’t respect me, my boundaries, and speaks to me badly and doesn’t apologize, take accountability and change, that says way more about how much I love myself (or don’t).
My Greek got WAY better since we conducted our whole relationship in Greek (shamelessly proud of that, too).
I learned how to navigate some cultural differences, and became more open and aware.
I built an even better relationship with Thessaloniki and Greece overall and got more comfortable living there. (my intention set the day before I met the dude)
During our break up period and beyond, I realized there were many areas of myself I was given the opportunity to work on since they had been reflected to me through him. I built my business better to better support me, my confidence and my life, and became more solid in everything I did.
The moral of the story: this relationship (like every relationship) was gifting me supercharged growth opportunities to live the life I wanted to live and become the person I wanted to be in. Christo WAS “the one” for the rest of that lifetime. But I was living a new reality after that relationship. * New lifetime unlocked * It was exactly what I needed to see things I wouldn’t have seen in the same way on my own. Our attraction was awareness I had yet to find.
All the ways I grew and entered a new level made that relationship a massive success for me, especially because of the heartbreak and difficulties I chose to transmute. (why I created How To Make Your Breakups Your B!tch during this time, too because people couldn’t stop telling me how I was glowing through my whole heartbreak and I knew I couldn’t just keep it to myself).
I could have easily taken the trauma I endured, the difficulty, heartbreak, etc and said that it wasted my time and decide I could no longer trust people, “because look how hard and horribly this last relationship turned out”. But instead, my whole life, energy, security, even physical body changed and improved through this. Because I chose it, and I made it another reason to not fear the darkness, but let it more deeply show my light.
And that’s alchemy, baby. We call that TRUE LOVE. So tell me - did this change your perspective? Or do you just hate me now? lol
